10
December 02022 (Happy birthday yesterday!):
ACME-19/AVMX-13–Christmas In The Intersection
A couple of years back, I included a picture of a 4-set Venn
diagram in AVMX as an illustration of the kind of Christmas
crossover that was possible. As a refresher, here 'tis
again:
How desirable that sort of thing may be is for others to decide,
probably on a case-by-case basis, but some of this season's
selections were very much in the same vein.
1.
Marshmallow
March, Surfrajettes. Exhibit A: This properly falls in
a triple intersection of surf music, instrumentals, and Christmas
tunes, so you can omit oval D in the diagram.
That said, there's a lot working against this as a Christmas
song. Let's start with the title, which doesn't exactly
speak "Christmas". "Candy Cane Cha-Cha"? I could buy
that combination as a holiday tune. Similarly for something
like "Sugarplum Samba", or possibly "Gingerbread Gavotte" (which
really belongs on a hypothetical Carly Simon holiday album).
"Marshmallow March", though? The candy--while something I
enjoy--is not exactly a high-profile Christmas, or even December,
treat. Indeed, I suspect that many of us associate
marshmallow much more strongly with the holiday at the other end
of Christ's life.
It could make a little more sense for Christmas as "Marzipan
March", I suppose, but we play the hand we're dealt around
here. However, I have come rather to like this song over the
course of several listenings trying to tease out the holiday
connection. I'm content to take the
artists'
declaration at face value.
2.
The
Fruitcake That Ate New Jersey, Lauren Mayer.
Exhibit B: Lauren Mayer is a musical theater enthusiast who
dabbles also in comedy and Jewish culture, which gives us another
3-way intersection.
Fruitcake sat in obscurity for
decades before
surfacing
in 02010. The song is taken from the album
Latkes,
Schmatkes!, a collection of Hanukkah-friendly tunes.
This may not be the sort of thing that the ecumenical movement is
trying to encourage.
3.
I Got A
Cheese Log, Trout Fishing In America. Despite
the fact that this is turning into a comedy block*, putting
together a run of songs mentioning, though not always about, food
was irresistible. In the future when I'm trying to remember
all of these songs in order when far from the I'net, that will be
useful to me.
When you try to set up a comedy channel on Pandora, you wind up
hearing a lot of automatically generated suggestions that are only
comedy-adjacent:
- Musical theater pieces, only some of which qualify as
comedy. This connects up to #2.
- Folk music, to which the same description applies.
- Children's songs, from which this one is drawn. Again,
while there may be funny songs included in this subgenre, not
every one fits that description. Much of Schoolhouse
Rock's various programming is available, but I wouldn't
call every one of those pieces comedy. (For example, Figure
Eight, which was inexplicably [to me] described once in
a book as the "most popular" of the Multiplication Rock
series, is not all that funny, even with the video.)
Some judicious use of the editing functions makes it possible
to curate something that rises to reasonable standards of humor,
and includes tunes like this one. See also the Caroleers
from AVMX-11.
4.
The
Happiest Time Of The Year, Candypants. And the
food theme continues in the name of the artist. Speaking of
ecumenism, this may well be the finest Christmas song ever that
mentions Iran--an ardently non-Christian country--in the lyrics.
Admittedly, that's a small universe, but one looks for good where
one can. (The Capitol Steps probably recorded such a song at
one point; I've not looked back fully.)
This is almost certainly the darkest song I've ever included in
AVMX. While
this was unintentional, since I just like the song, it is another
piece of data in support of my thesis that there's room enough in
Christmas for everybody.
5.
White
Christmas (3:00 Weather Report), Bobby The Poet.
Once again, we have a mutil-level parody. This tune takes
the idea expressed oh-so-seriously (reasonably so, and very well)
in Simon & Garfunkel's
7:00 News/Silent Night (AVMX-2)
and treats it somewhat more whimsically. The artist's name
and performing voice add up to a two-way parody on both Robert F.
Kennedy and Nobel laureate Bob Dylan. This is certainly one
of the most obscure songs I've ever highlighted in AVMX. I'm
not fully convinced that this is a good thing, but the idea is
kind of fun, the tune is pleasant enough, and the coincidences are
too amusing to pass by, so it's worth a few listens every year
going forward.
6.
Naughty
List, Meghan Trainor. Back toward the mainstream
here, even as we duplicate a title from AVMX-5.
Let's be honest here: "Naughty list" is a richer source of good
popular culture than "Nice list". The sinners, it is said,
are much more fun**.
7.
Shake
Hands With Santa Claus, Louis Prima. The link
here is to a 01951 recording of this song, which makes it one of
the most seasoned recordings ever to be a part of AVMX and
certainly worthy of this year's throwback tune title.
Fun fact: The first 7 songs this year each have a run time under 3
minutes. It helps, I suppose, if your holiday song doesn't
have
5 verses.
8.
Sugar And
Booze, Ana Gasteyer. We return to the food theme
as we finally bust through the 3-minute barrier, with the title
track to an album I tapped a couple of years back. One of
the reasons for slotting this song here is that it's musically not
unlike #7, just coming along decades later.
Another reason for including it at all is that it's been cleared
as "safe" for
Little Drummer
Boy Challenge players, even though it mentions The Boy and
throws in a "pa-rum-pum-pum-pum". Since the reference is
both brief and less than fully musical (Ana doesn't really sing
the risky drumbeat), which renders this safe. In the words
of LDBC master Michael Alan Peck, "it's not the tune, so it
doesn't count." I got taken out by a Capitol Steps parody
one year, so this kind of edge case matters to me.
A third, and really the only necessary, reason is that this is an
entertaining tune that's also funny. The link up there is to
a live performance on
Late Night With Seth Meyers, in
which the xylophone part is played on a toy instrument. Kind
of a neat effect.
9.
Santa
Claus Is Watching You, Ray Stevens. This one was
one of the last-second cuts last year, as more notable songs
showed up on my radar. It deserves to be here.
There are times when a backlog needs clearing, and this is one of
those.
10.
Melt! Goes
The Snowman, Nooshi. This comes from an album
that promises Christmas songs with familiar melodies. I
stumbled across it while indiscriminately looking for unheralded
Christmas music, and just reading the title made me laugh.
Out loud. At that point, the bar that needed clearing was
suddenly a lot less high.
I appreciate the word choice that went into the lyrics.
"Plop Goes The Snowman" was right there, but the writer went
another, better, way.
It's a nice wrapup to another decet of alternate (not
"alternative") holiday tunes.
Io Saturnalia!
M-->
*--Not that I find anything wrong with
that, but I try occasionally to break up the funny stuff with
other songs.
**--Apologies to Billy J.
So it would appear that if form holds next
Saturday (which is, admittedly, a rather large "if"), it will be
obvious who the 4 teams that should be in the College Football
Playoff are.
That would be, in some order, Georgia, Michigan, Southern Cal, and
Texas Christian.
It will also be slightly less obvious that, this year, 4 teams is
enough.
Should one or more upsets occur, though, it will be interesting to
see how the selection committee cooks the rankings, not only to
get Alabama undeservedly into the playoff, but also to ensure that
they don't play Georgia in the semifinals.
M-->
Just.
Stop.
Already.
In a fit of job-induced frustration this week,
I attempted to distract myself by modifying Christmas songs to
include references to biting the holly. Today's title is the
best result. It works much better when sung, of course.
Also on the list:
It seems like I'm spending more time than usual
of late just waiting for things to happen.
1. There's an election next week. I've already voted, so my
interest is a combination of looking forward to a world that is
once again without campaign ads and a fair amount of dread about
what might happen when all the votes are counted.
2. I am, of course, also waiting to catch the first holly biting
of the year with the switch to ACATT radio. I'm not actively
looking for this calendar abuse*, but it has ways of finding me.
3. Though it's way too early to do so, I'm actively counting down
to the end of the semester around here. That won't solve
everything--we're still stuck in this curious kind of limbo that
follows the forced departure of a college president, and that's
been going on for far too long. It'll be at least 1 July
02023 before things start the equally slow slide back toward
normal.
I am known to be impatient with the standard slow pace of
academia, and this extended hiatus from normalcy is newly
frustrating and differently challenging.
M-->
I was clearing out a desk drawer at work
recently--getting rid of some stuff in order to make room for
other stuff, in what seems to be a never-ending cycle--and I found
two unopened cans of Mountain Dew, from about 10 years ago.
On one hand, I'm not sure how I managed to forget those for all
this time. On another, one of them was still full and
sealed. The other is clearly not full, but there's no
evidence that it leaked, so either there's been some loss to
evaporation or it started out less than completely full, which
would explain, in part, why I stashed it away to begin with.
I have not taste-tested the contents for quality, for it was
necessary to chill them first.
In other accidental soft-drink can stress tests: As is my nature,
I picked up a can of the local root beer when visiting Alaska last
month. However, in the quest to get laundry done on our
return, I pretty much scooped up everything from my suitcase and
tossed it in the washing machine, including said root beer.
The can made it through the wash cycle intact and more or less
undamaged. Truth be known, this was actually kind of a
surprise.
It may have been fortunate that none of my travel clothes required
a powerful wash cycle. It is certainly fortunate that I
found the can before dumping it in the dryer.
M-->
26 August 02022 (Happy anniversary yesterday!): As Seen At
Hallmark HQ, Perhaps
Fade in on a standard corporate conference
room with a dozen mid-level executives seated around a table,
except that:
1. A calendar on the wall clearly reads
"April".
2. Incongruously, the room is festooned with
tasteful yet abundant Christmas decorations.
Our lead character addresses the assembled conferees:
So the ornament division does great in December, but sales are
homeopathic the other 11 months. Is there
something we can do to create a year-round presence for
Christmas ornaments where they're not stuck in a closet 11
months a year?
Respondent 1: Halloween trees didn't quite catch on.
Respondent 2: Nether did Easter shrubs.
Respondent 3: What we need is a new marketing gimmick.
Plants clearly aren't cutting it.
Respondent 4: If the ornaments are in use year-round,
there'll be more breakage and replacement. That'll be
good for sales!
After a few seconds of silent contemplation, Respondent 2 speaks
again: We need to rebrand! Instead of "Christmas
ornaments", what if we called them [pauses for dramatic
effect, unsuccessfully]..."art balls"! Then you could
make the case that they should stay up all year!
Murmurs of approval run through the crowd.
Lead character: Excellent! Make it happen,
everyone!
=====
On some level, I believe that a conversation very much like this
happened somewhere within the labyrinth that is the holiday
industry. I saw the product of such deliberation more than
once in Alaska last month. Our one "art ball" will,
despite these best efforts, spend 45 or so weeks in a closet
every year.
It probably didn't help the rebranding efforts that said art
ball was displayed, with a flock of its fellows, hanging on a
pine tree.
M-->
9 August 02022: #48 Was #49
That is, the 48th state I've visited was the
49th one to be admitted to the Union. I haven't run down
the whole list, but this close concurrence is going to be tough
to beat. On the other extreme, I've not yet been to
Delaware, the 1st state to sign on to the Articles of
Confederation, so the difference there will either be as large
as possible (if I get to Alabama first) or one off the maximum.
Some thoughts on Alaska:
1. Cash-free commerce (as in "We don't accept cash.") has made a
profound inroad up that way. I can appreciate the merits
of not dealing with cash in the 21st century when a business is
at great remove from its bank, as is surely the case in some of
the more interesting parts of Alaska. However, since
dollar bills are still backed by the full faith and credit of
the United States Treasury, it seems a bit off that certain
national park gift shops--also a branch of the government--don't
take cash.
2. The restaurant industry in Alaska is very generous with two
things: ice water and French fries.
Very very generous, one might say, in the case of the
latter. There are no
Five
Guys outlets in Alaska, but one can imagine that any such
restaurant would just hand over a paper bag filled to the top
with fries, given the proclivities of that establishment and
that state.
3. I took 727 pictures on the trip. A lot of those were
optimistic telephoto shots of what might have been the tail of a
diving whale, so they aren't all worth printing or even looking
at again. That said, the sifting will take a lot of time
and energy. There are a few good ones in the mix.
Here's one that was about #10 in a sequence of shots of the best
moose sighting on the trip. The animals in question were
approximately across the street from where I was standing.
M-->
1 August 02022: Celebrity Deathwatch Roundup, or: A Lot Can
Happen When You Leave Town*
1. Bill Russell 9, Nichelle Nichols 8.
NBC News appears to be the difference here.
2. Once again, we have a new category: In the "He's Dead, No
He's Not, Well Maybe He Is" division:
Tony Dow dies: 8 emails.
Tony Dow is actually still alive: 6 emails.
Tony Dow is dead, for real this time: 7
emails.
The inconsistency fascinates me a little.
That said, I hope that Dow was aware of what was going on in his
last hours, especially that literally millions of people were
thinking of him in his last full day on Earth. The
circumstances may have been a little strange, but that's more
than either Nichols or Russell had, and far better than most of
us will get.
M-->
*--I'll have some thoughts about Alaska here in a
day or two.
10 July 02022 (Happy birthday!): Unexpected Learning
One of the things that I learned last week at
summer camp is that my name is apparently poorly suited to my
academic background.
Some of the Scouts from Blue Troop discovered on Friday that my
name is "Mark". (It may be that they just had that point
driven home in a slightly dramatic fashion. On one hand,
they were calling me "Dr. B." or "Dr. Bollman" all week, so
would have no real reason to use my first name. On the
other, it's not like I went to any lengths to conceal it, and I
was wearing some kind of nametag all week.)
One of them commented, in my presence, that "Mark" is not a very
"doctory" name. I didn't know that there was a list of
criteria for that.
When pressed for examples of doctory-er names, she offered up
"Philip" and "Richard". I don't think I can pull off
either of those. I might be able to make "Rick" work in a
pinch, but that's about all.
It's probably best that we never got into the subject of the
arrow.
In a better commentary on my life, another Scout stated that my
voice sounds just like she imagines God sounds.
That I rather like.
M-->
2 July 02022 (Happy birthday!): The Whole Is Diminished By The
Sum Of Its Parts
It's somewhat concerning to live in a world
where
hot
dog ice cream is not only possible, but actual.
With the release of the 6th film in the
Jurassic Park/World
sequence, there have been more references than usual to action
figure Ian Malcolm's pronouncement about scientists focused so
sharply on whether or not they could do something that they
didn't give adequate thought to whether or not they should do
it.
As a general guideline for sensible living, I find that to be
overblown, but here it fits.
Spectacularly. In Laurie's words: "Hot dogs: Good.
Ice cream: Good. Together: Not good." Two great
tastes do not, in this example, taste great together.
The official description is “toasted buttered bun ice cream with
medallions of caramelized Nathan’s all beef hot dogs”, which
sounds like something that the
Geneva
Conventions should be concerned about.
This is a limited-edition release--for which some might thank
the deity or deities they recognize--so if you wish to partake
of this, you need to get to Coney Island soon.
M-->
30 June 02022 (Halftime!): The End Of An Era
In this case, that would be the end of 15
years of what I was told would be 3 years' service.
In 02007, I was elected, running unopposed, to a 3-year term as
secretary/treasurer of the
Michigan Section
of the
Mathematical
Association of America. Owing to local oddness here
and there, I found myself convinced to stand for uncontested
reelection to 3 more terms. It might have been a fourth,
except that I artfully got out of term #5 by running for and
being elected to a 3-year term as Michigan's representative to
the MAA Congress, a post to which reelection is not permitted.
That term ends today. It's been a very good run on the
Executive Committee, but it's time for others to lead from
behind the scenes.
M-->
24
June 02022: Theoretical Mixology
One of the TV shows that Laurie and I have
been binging on DVDs during the current pandemic is
The
Kominsky Method. Highly recommended, and worth
the effort to track down.
The titular character's preferred cocktail is Jack Daniel's and
Diet Dr Pepper. Which got me to think that if I ever gave
up my teetotaling life, I'd probably be inclined to adopt
something that off-the-wall as my go-to drink of choice.
(There is absolutely no risk of that happening anytime
soon. Hence "Theoretical".)
For some reason, this sent my mind back to
The Book of Lists
3, in which was included a reader-submitted list of
several appalling drinks they, as a bartender, had been asked to
make. There were a couple of entries, lodged in my brain
lo these many years, that might be at or above Sandy Kominsky's
drink of choice. I reject both of them:
1.
Gin and root beer. There are only 2 additives
that improve root beer: ice and vanilla ice cream. That's
it.
2.
Chivas Regal and grape Tang. I have difficulty
imagining why someone first thought that that was a good idea,
though I am willing to accept that once done, someone might like
it and keep drinking it. That said, in digging around the
I'net a bit, I learned that
grape
Tang is still available if one knows where to look.
That's oddly encouraging.
And so the search continues.
M-->
2 June 02022 (Happy birthday tomorrow!):
Orthography Takes A Holiday
Laurie and I each drive a Ford Focus. That being so, the
plural of "focus" might possibly get more use in our home than
in most.
I am not so mathematically rigid to insist on the technical
plural "Foci" when talking about our vehicle collection,
although I like the notion that we could set up an ellipse or a
hyperbola* in our garage, and so will use that from time to
time. "Focuses" is usually fine by me.
That said, I got some mail recently asking if I might consider
returning my car to the dealer, as they are dealing with a rabid
market for used cars and (here we go) are looking for 3 "Focuss"
in the area to meet demand.
Focuss.
Really?
I get the feeling that the mail merge program that generated
this letter was blindly pluralizing models by adding an "s",
irrespective of the reality that that's not always
accurate. Mustangs, Festivas, Broncos, even F-150s--those
all work okay. Focuss, not so much.
I'm not in the market to relinquish my car, so this is only of
academic interest, but I find this vaguely entertaining.
M-->
*--Or a pair of parabolas.
26 May 02022: Time
Yesterday, Laurie and I met a young woman who
has the number 86,400 tattooed on her forearm.
That is, of course, the number of seconds in a day.
And so I had to ask why she preserved that number for
eternity. I appreciate time units as much as anyone, and
probably way more than most*, but that kind of commitment to a
number that is at once relatively obscure and relatively
significant calls for further examination.
Her response was a good one, roughly paraphrased as "a reminder
not to let little things get to me".
Sounds like really good advice.
M-->
*--Way more than is healthy, truth be known.
7 May 02022 (T + 10,000): At The Finish Line
There's an early episode of
The Simpsons
where Lisa expresses great relief upon arriving home from
church, noting that the present moment constituted "
the
longest possible time before more church".
As we prepare to line up for Commencement here today, I can
appreciate that sentiment, perhaps more fully than at any other
time since I got into this line of work.
No doubt it's been a challenging academic year,
even--especially?--for
some
reasons not related to the pandemic. But while there
is still some grading left to be done and the different
craziness of online summer school just ahead, today represents,
for all intents and purposes, the longest possible time before
more teaching.
I'm ready for it. Laurie, whom I've known for 10 kilodays*
now, would probably say "more than ready".
Let college summer begin.
M-->
*--Or 1 myriaday, but "myria-" is not an offical SI
prefix. Too bad, because it'd've been the last new
prefix we hit. I consider it unlikely that we'll reach 1
megaday.
24 April 02022: The Pursuit Of Trivia Is Endless, or:
Yesterday's Trivia is Today's Breaking News
Three weeks ago, I knew what the Reedy Creek Improvement
District was, though that name was far from commonly known.
Credit that to a
Time magazine article from sometime in
the 01990s.
Things have changed a bit.
Fortunately, my mental store of near-useless information is
well-stocked against just this sort of development.
M-->
12 April 02022 (Happy fake birthday yesterday, and happy
birthday et al. tomorrow!): Nomenclature Clarified
The difference between a collector and a hoarder is whether or
not your accumulata are logged in a spreadsheet.
M-->
28 March 02022: An Unexpected Discovery
Whether it's a benefit or not is an open
question.
I'm teaching in person and without a mask today for the first
time in over 2 years, and something that I'm only now noticing
is how many of my students have nose piercings.
M-->
26 March 02022: Celebrity Deathwatch Revisited
Madeleine Albright 14, Taylor Hawkins 6.
The universe's sense of proportion is properly aligned.
Enjoy the weekend.
M-->
3 March 02022 (Happy birthdayweek!): Amending
The Exceptions
When I go through a long list of new emails,
as happens at least every morning, there are certain words in
the subject line that pretty much guarantee that email a one-way
trip to the trash, unread.
"Webinar" is one. "Limited offer" is another, coming as it
frequently* does from distant newspapers trying to get me to
subscribe.
Added to that list this beginning this week is "Ukraine".
Not that I'm not interested in or concerned about what's going
on over there. but because so much is being said, and so little
of it is novel or interesting. I keep up with the big news
via other means, but a lot of the commentary is either
pointlessly speculative or targeted toward like minds.
Frequently, my mind is not what they like.
M-->
*--The frequency of these missives kind of negates the urgency
intended by the "limited" adjective.
17 February 02022: Another Magnificent Missed Opportunity
The Washington
Post is conducting a
Twitter
survey (as unrepresentative as that may be) to get input
on a nickname for the new-look Washington Commanders, something
suitable for headlines. The choices are "Coms" and
"Cmdrs", neither of which seems particularly apt.
Much has been made of the obvious shortening of "Commanders" to
"Commies" that surely was thought about before the new nickname
was chosen. That said, I haven't heard anyone suggest
"Mandys", which I kind of like.
"Andys" isn't bad, either.
I could see opposing teams having some fun with those.
13 February 02022: Another Giant Leap For Mankind
Jurassic Park (the [first]
movie, not the book) gave us mathematician action figures, two
of which grace my office. Today, we as a culture went that
one better with a mathematician appearing in a Super Bowl
commercial:
7 February 02022: Time
Passages Revisited
In class last week, one of my students asked
what we did before the Internet when we needed to know a fact or
wanted to know the score of a ballgame.
On one hand, I think I answered his reasonable question without
veering off too far into "You kids get off my lawn!" territory,
which I've been trying to avoid as I age. (I spoke of big
buildings with books in them, and the necessity of watching the
1100 news.)
That, combined with some mail I got on Friday, got me thinking
about the
Beloit
Mindset List, an annual highlight of the new school year
that attempted to lay out how the year's incoming freshman class
thought differently from those of us charged with teaching
them. For example, from the 02017 list (born in 01999ish,
class of 02021ish):
- Peanuts comic strips have always been repeats.
- They have largely grown up in a floppy-less world.
- They have never found Mutual Broadcasting or Westinghouse
Group W on the radio dial, but XM has always offered radio
programming for a fee.
The list moved to
Marist College
in 02018 and has faded from prominence a bit.
There's something that has always seemed to me like Mindset
material, allowing for the fact that this reality probably skews
a bit older than 18-year-olds:
- A platinum credit card has never been a big deal.
Seriously, I have 4 platinum credit cards, and
while my credit rating is very good, this doesn't represent the
accomplishment that it would have been 30 or so years ago.
However, I was invited to apply for a Black MasterCard last week
(in light of the fact that there aren't distinguishable precious
metals beyond platinum). In reviewing the promotional
material, it appears to me that the primary benefit one receives
for the $495 annual fee is that the card itself is made out of
precision-crafted stainless steel, backed up by a slab of
carbon. It is stressed in the advertising that this
outweighs an American Express platinum card by 5 grams.
As a feat of engineering, this is actually kind of
impressive. As a financial instrument, it's not exactly a
deal-maker for me.
The 24/7 access to concierge services via text,
phone, or chat doesn't seem to me to be a compelling
benefit. Better luck next time, guys (since I now seem to
have landed on the higher-end credit radar and am probably in
for more solicitations like this).
M-->
21 January 02022: Celebrity Deathwatch--Big Guy Edition
Marvin
Aday 14,
Louie
Anderson 8.
Fortunately, John Goodman lives on. Two out of three is, in
this case, bad. Sorry, Mr. Loaf.
M-->
17 January 02022: What Do You Get When You Cross A Cell Phone
And A Kaleidoscope?
One of the better pictures of Laurie & me to exist, truth
be known (I am, of course, the one in the red.):
Photo courtesy of the good people at
Nellie Bly in
Jerome, AZ. I'm not sure if they offer to take a photo
like this with every purchase, but it seems like that'd be a
gimmick worth considering.
M-->
6 January 02022: A Whirlwind Of
Uncertainty
I'm not claiming yet that 02022 told 02021 to hold her beer, but
it certainly seems like that right now.
When caught in a miasma of rapid and unpredictable
change,
sometimes the best thing to do is to hide until things settle
down a bit, or perhaps even pass completely.
Which is what Laurie and I are going to do next week.
Winter Camp XLV was very good for that last week, but it's time
to look ahead.
Since I have established a small reputation as someone who knows
a thing or two (or 4) about uncertainty, one might think I'd
have a better strategy for dealing with the universe.
We're at a time around here when trying to plan more than a day
or two out is close to pointless.
Not unlike meteorology, which has its own interpretations of
both "whirlwind" and "uncertainty".
M-->
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The Markives for 02022
